Mom's birthday is May 9th, so it often fell on Mother's Day. As little girls, my late sister, Renee, and I thought we were so lucky to have a Mom who was obviously cool enough to have two reasons for celebration fall on one day. The two of us even came up with our own special name for the day--Happy Mother'sBirthday Day. Yes, I know that we could have taken the extra 'day' out of there, but we were little girls. Bigger is always better!
Being the young dreamers that we were, we couldn't understand why there wasn't a card in the stores with the same title. To remedy that, we would often design our own card and surprise her with it. Even on the years that Mother's Day and her birthday fell on separate days, we tricked her into celebrating them both on the one day. For us, our handmade cards had made it a tradition!
Maybe for that reason, even after Renee was born and I became a Mommy myself, Mother's Day was never really about me. Now, there's no need to get your panties all in a twist about that. Although we are all about the party in our little family, Renee has learned by example that it is more important to show our love and appreciation to each other every single day of the year. We don't need no stinkin' Hallmark executive to tell us that we should shell out 5 dollars for a card to prove our love. The creative (and often funny) Mother's Day cards that Renee and Mark have made for me over the years are some of my greatest treasures. And, anyone who knows me knows that I would rather use that 5 dollars to buy Renee and Mark a Mickey bar at Disney World!
Of course, since
I was the one doing the spoiling, it was okay for
me to surprise Mom with all kinds of magical things on Mother'sBirthday Day. She would give me
the look and make comments under her breath that I should be getting spoiled as well, but I always reminded her that I had my own special day--Happy New Year'sBirthday Day!
Anyway, for as many years as I can remember, Mother'sBirthday Day was always a day to honor the birth and motherly love of our Mom, who we both so deeply adored. Before I was even old enough to imagine Mark in our lives, the two of us would sneak into the tiny kitchen of the apartment we grew up in to try to find something yummy to make for our Mommy. Just imagine two little girls in ponytails, scraping up any spare change they could find, walking to the tiny, family grocery store up the street, and buying a box of Jiffy brownie mix. If my memory serves me right, we could buy one box for 25 cents and only had to mix in water, which was free! No matter how dried out those brownies were, Mom always let us believe they were the most delicious thing she had ever tasted! As we grew older and I became more of an accomplished baker, I loved surprising her with one of her favorites, carrot cake. I can still see the smile on Mom's face as she tiptoed into the kitchen to lick the cream cheese icing off the beater on our mixer. She would giggle and run around the corner once she knew she had been snagged! Busted!
After Mark and I were married and bought our first home, Mother'sBirthday Day was the perfect excuse for us to shower Mom with plants along with all those tasty treats. Since this was her first home, too, she couldn't wait to take the bare canvas of our new yard and paint her own floral masterpiece. One year, Renee, Mark, and I bought her a Kousa dogwood, a tree she had been coveting for as long as we could remember. Another year, we chipped in and surprised her with supplies to build a pond; the look on her face was priceless! We even got my Dad into it; he would buy her a tea rose every year, no matter what. Even though they had split up when I was 5, I thought that was just the sweetest thing for him to do. I always joked that if she ever doubted how much she was loved, all she needed to do was to take a peek out the window!
Mother'sBirthday Day somehow became different after the death of my sister, our many moves, and Mom's battle with freaky blood disorders, lymphoma, and leukemia. It never seemed quite the same as what it was when life was more simple. The one thing that did remain consistent, though, was the celebration of this strong, giving, loving woman who inspired us all to be better people. Last year, when this photo was taken, we not only celebrated Mother'sBirthday Day, but the news that her cancer was behaving itself and much joy over the growth of new hair on her beautiful head.
Little did we know that only a year later, we would be sitting here without her. As I look at that photo with tears running down my face (darn it! I was trying to be strong!), I am taken back to the very moment when Mark yelled to the three of us in his best photographer's voice, "Say...Grammy Rocks!"
I can hear Mark laughing at us as we set up our 'Wilson pose'.I can smell the sweetness of those roses, and the scent of the pine trees which surrounded us.I can feel not only the softness of Mom's baby fine hair on my cheek, but also, my arms around the two girls who always brought such love to my life, and who made me the woman I am today.This is one of those moments when I wish I could travel back in time and do it all over again. I wish I would have had Mark take 10 photos instead of one. I wish I would have set the timer on the camera so that Mom's Markus Trukus (one of her nicknames for him!) would have been in the photo with us. I wish I could hug her even tighter. I wish I could feel that soft, baby fine hair on her head again. If I could do even one of those things, maybe my heart wouldn't hurt and feel so empty today.
This year, we are
not lucky enough to have Mom's birthday fall on Mother's Day. This year, my goal is to find a way to get through these two days as quickly as we can. Even if I were to lock myself in the house, there doesn't seem to be a way to escape the fact that everyone else is celebrating their Mom. I truly
am happy for them even though it probably doesn't sound like it! I really am! My problem is that the reality of it all makes it hard for me to go to that safe place in my head and pretend that this is all a bad dream. Yup, denial, people. It can be your friend when absolutely necessary...lol!
A dear friend recently reminded me that the 'firsts' are always hard. Maybe she is right. Perhaps I am on emotion overload due to recently dealing with our 'first' Easter without her, the 'first' birthday of my late sister without her (we always held each other up on that day), the 'first' time we had to return home from vacation without her welcoming us at the door with a huge hug, and among other things, the 'first' time I had to endure surgery for skin cancer without her to support me while Mark had to be at work. All of those things have occurred in the past two weeks, so yes, it appears that I am a victim of the 'firsts'!
Of course, admitting all of those things probably makes me look stupid and weak, and not at all like the strong woman I aspire to be. My sweet Mark always reminds me that expressing our grief means that we are loving, feeling, compassionate souls, and he is proud that I am not ashamed to embrace that way of thinking. Having such a close relationship with my Mom has always been such a blessing to me, but sometimes, on days like today, I wonder how good it really was. It makes the loss of her love hurt so much more, but deep in my heart, I know that I am a better daughter, mother, wife, and friend because of it.
As I sit here and let myself revisit those memories of a little, ponytailed girl who took her younger sister by the hand and bravely walked to the store to make a big surprise happen, I realize one thing; our life wouldn't have been the same without Mom standing by our side. And although my sister's life was cut way too short, we wouldn't have been the women we grew up to be. We became strong, loving, caring, giving women that Mom was so very proud of. I hope that I continue to honor her by being the best Mom I can be to Miss Renee. At this moment, the thought of me continuing her legacy of love gives me strength to carry on. She would want that for all of us.
This afternoon, instead of hiding in my closet, I will try to find comfort in the memories of all the days we spent together; the good, the bad, and certainly not just the ones that Hallmark thinks we should celebrate. If that doesn't work, I shall go outside and cry happy tears over the plants that Mom and I have carefully nurtured since we planted them in our yard a few years ago. This year, almost as a gift to me, they have finally flowered for the first time. Seeing that peony bloom when we returned from Disney just took my breath away. My heart would love to believe that she had something to do with that.
Happy Mother'sBirthday Day, Mom. I have high hopes that my blond 'twin', Renee, has grown a green thumb and has also learned to bake tasty treats up there in the ovens of Heaven. If not, I sure hope they have a Frank's Nursery and Mother's Cheesecake Outlet. They were always her 'Go-To' places when her big sister wasn't around to bail her out!
