No Nonsense Grammy

This morning, Renee came to me to tell me that she had been dreaming about Mom again. I think that she's very lucky to have this special connection with Mom; whether or not you believe in that kind of stuff, the conversations that the two of them have are so realistic to me that it's hard to discount the idea of it.

Either way, in this dream, Renee asked her Grammy what it felt like to die. Such a serious question, but so Renee.

In typical Grammy fashion, Mom said to her, "That is classified information, Renee."

 

Yup...no nonsense Grammy! Mark laughs how she would always tell you like it was, but do it in such a way that there was no way that you could be angry or resentful towards her.

I miss the twinkle in her eye and her spunky self so very much.

Things I have learned in 2011

2011 began as as the new year always does. There was the closing of one door, the opening of another, and of course, the celebration of my birth.

Then, our world came crashing down with the sudden loss of my mom. We knew that we were fighting a losing battle with her diagnosis of acute leukemia, but certainly weren't prepared to lose her the way we did. Almost a year later, I can still remember sobbing as I waited for the valet to bring my van around so that I could make the drive home from the hospital, alone for the first time in two years.

It's funny how experiencing something so devastating can open your eyes, heart, and mind to new moments of learning opportunities. Some of them might be meaningful or life changing, and others? Well, they just might make you laugh and fill your heart with light and love, which is exactly what you need when your heart is filled with sadness.

So, without further ado, please allow me to share some of those things with you!

I have learned that flowers from friends really can brighten a cloudy day.



Splurging on a tasty lunch for the birthday boy is worth having to eat grilled chicken for the rest of the week.



When your kiddo says that she wants to attend something called 'Momocon', you read up on it, and figure out a way to make a last minute costume out of sheets of foam and purple hairspray.



There really are quiet places to rest in Walt Disney World.



Ed truly is Superman!



You are never to old for a little game of Follow the Leader.



Life, in itself, is always an adventure. Those who travel along with us make it even richer!



Butterbeer is as delicious as everyone always promises.



There is nothing that a gihugic turkey leg won't make better!



Gifts are often more about the love you share.



You can never put enough Kahlua in a Tiramisu birthday cake for a friend who has a daughter in college!



Sharing the Disney magic with friends you haven't seen for more than 10 years is a gift to yourself.



Husbands who happily play dress up in front of masses of people are super sexy!



Sometimes...



you just can't...



get them to...



agree...



to pose for a serious photo!



12th birthdays are especially joyous when surprised with giant sombreros and spent with amazing friends!



Sometimes...



it takes more than one time to learn...



that it's just easier to join in the fun!



Family isn't always about blood.



You are never fully dressed without a moustache!



It is as wonderful to get a surprise as it is to give one.



20 years later and I love him even more.



Surround yourself with those who make your heart happy.



Those who leave this earth are always with us; if you look close enough, you will see the hints they leave for us.



Gifts aren't always of the material sense.



A memorial garden which blooms in the winter can lift one's spirit to the clouds!



Some people, and friendships, never change.



It is quite possible to love someone more than life itself.



Driving to Philly and surprising your parents will be their best Christmas gift. Ever.



Driving to New York so that your daughter can surprise her best friend by picking her up early from school is what smiles are made of.



Making new Christmas memories with dear friends is very healing to the soul.



Being included in their holiday traditions is even better!



Santa and the Pajama Fairy really CAN find you, no matter where you are on Christmas Eve.



If you can't be with your friends on New Year's Eve, Skype is the next best thing.



Some traditions never change, and never should.



Birthday morning breakfasts are perfection when nestled in a recycled, plastic Mickey dish, served up with love by your sweetie.



And just to remind me to always keep my eyes, ears and heart open, when I walked out our front door this morning, I saw this.



Right next to it, I saw this.



Daffodils and hyacinths in January? Popping up out of the ground right next to this special stone Mom and I found after my sister died? An extremely strong message to me, I'm sure.



One day at a time, indeed.

Perhaps that shall be what carries me into and through 2012. Bring on the New Year!

Death sucks for the living

Okay, maybe that title isn't the most ladylike that I've written, but today, that's just how I feel.

Last year, on this same day (February 20th), I wrote about my sister, Renee. It had been 15 years to the day since her death, and I finally felt as though I was in a better place with 'living' with that realization. I know that sounds totally dramalicious and all, but for a family who just lived in denial about it most of the time (how else do you survive?), it was a big thing!

Here we are again, one year later, 16 years since she left us, and I feel like I have taken about 10 steps backwards. Mom's death has a lot to do with that, I'm sure. It's been almost a month since we lost her. An important part of our support system is gone; we all leaned on each other and lifted one another up on the tough days.

The other day, I wrote to my friend, Lynne, about some recent 'Deep Thoughts by Mare'. Scary, yes, but most of my deep thoughts are emotionally charged ramblings that come from the heart. If those kinds of things freak you out, just close the page now. That's the only warning I am going to give you, so don't blame me later on! ;)

If you are still reading, here are some bits and pieces of what I shared with her. Today, they seem so relevant to me for some reason.



I've been thinking a lot about death, and it's strange how similar, yet different, it can be for each person in your life that you lose. When we lost my sister, Renee, almost 16 years ago, it was sudden and unexpected. She traveled often, so although there was such a void in our lives, our brains dealt with the loss by just pretending she was away again. That was all fine and good until the reality of it all set in during the most unexpected times. I remember sobbing in Mark's arms when we took a cruise we had planned to take with Renee. The smell of the ocean (she was a total beach bum) just hit me like a ton of bricks. It was reality smacking me right in the face!



I lost my Dad just a little over 3 years ago. Although my parents divorced when I was 5, I was very close to him. We shared a love of horses and guitars/music, both of which he did for a living. When we moved from New Jersey to New York, he would drive the 3 hours from Pennsylvania to come up and visit us. He loved little Renee so much, and there was nothing better in life to him than just being her Poppy. Then Mark got the job in Georgia. This was very hard on all of us, especially when Dad suffered a stroke and I couldn't be there to help and support him through his recovery. We spoke on the phone numerous times during those long weeks, but it wasn't the same for either of us. Dad died at the end of the year, and it wasn't a good type of closure for me. There was a huge amount of guilt on my part. Again, like with my sister, there were miles between us so it wasn't in my face 24/7. It gave me time to come to terms with the loss before I had to recognize that he was really gone.



With Mom, it feels different. Not only has she been with us since Mark and I got married (20 years ago this November!), but our lives have revolved around her cancers for the past two years. Everything that we did (Renee's homeschooling, shopping, vacations, what I was going to cook for dinner) was scheduled around Mom. It feels weird to just be able to pick up and go somewhere without having to make sure Mom is okay. It almost makes me feel guilty.



Mom and I would always joke about how I would deal with her being gone. Her favorite scenario was that Renee and I would make a life-sized cut-out of her and sit it in the glider in her room so that I could walk in there and talk to her...lol! It was something that we did everyday; I would make her coffee, walk it into her room, and we would chat about anything and everything. She thought the idea of me having conversations with a piece of cardboard after she was gone was hysterical!



Mom just had a fantastic sense of humor about it all, but we were very realistic about how our lives would eventually end up. She told me a long time ago that she had 70 wonderful years on this earth, and when God decided it was her time to go, she didn't have any choice in the matter anyway. How true that ended up being; she never did get to die at home with hospice and her family surrounding her with love. Instead, it was just the two of us in a hospital room. I am just so thankful that my stubborn side came out of hiding and I stayed with her, Lynne. I don't know how I would be dealing with the guilt of not being with her when she died.

Deep thoughts, indeed. Sometimes, I curse the fact that I am such a sensitive, feeling woman. On days like this, I wish that I wouldn't even think about the fact that it is a 'death anniversary'. How stupid is that? I know we all should be celebrating life, but my emotions are just too caught up in the reality of the moment. I'm sure if Mom's death wasn't so recent, it wouldn't be as raw to me today.

It also wouldn't be as obvious that three people who walked through this life with me aren't walking beside me any longer. That feels kind of weird.



But yet, here we are, Mark, Mare, and little Renee, three beings touched by the love of some amazing souls yet left without their presence on this earth. We all know they are in a better place, but our daily lives feel so empty without them. We are all so lucky to have each other, though. Maybe that is their gift to us?

As I sit here trying to find a way to end this post in a positive light, Renee just showed me a quote that popped up on a game she was playing on her computer.

"A well spent day brings happy sleep, so life well used brings happy death." ~Leonardo Da Vinci

Wow.

Are there angels watching while I vent here on our blog? Perhaps they feel as though I need some positive light sent my way via Renee's 'Virtual Families' game? If so, then many thanks, angels who watch over me.

And now that positive light is radiating from my soul, I can honestly say that no matter how many years they had on this earth, Mom, Dad, and Renee loved with all their hearts. If that isn't using life to the fullest, I don't know what is.

Maybe death doesn't have to suck for the living. Maybe death is a reminder to live and love and fight the sadness with all that you are.

Today, in honor of my sister, I am going to focus on the love that they all so selflessly gave to me. I doubt I would be the person I am today if I didn't experience that love.

And today, I am going to send love back to all who have stood by us during these sad days in our life. Words could never express how amazing you have all been. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

Now that I have worked through all of that, what should I do about the title of this post? ;)