No Nonsense Grammy

This morning, Renee came to me to tell me that she had been dreaming about Mom again. I think that she's very lucky to have this special connection with Mom; whether or not you believe in that kind of stuff, the conversations that the two of them have are so realistic to me that it's hard to discount the idea of it.

Either way, in this dream, Renee asked her Grammy what it felt like to die. Such a serious question, but so Renee.

In typical Grammy fashion, Mom said to her, "That is classified information, Renee."

 

Yup...no nonsense Grammy! Mark laughs how she would always tell you like it was, but do it in such a way that there was no way that you could be angry or resentful towards her.

I miss the twinkle in her eye and her spunky self so very much.

A Mother's Love

"There is nothing like a mother's love for her child."



Mom would often quote those words to me in hopes that it would help me to understand the decisions she would make regarding my sister, Renee. From the perspective of my 17 year old mind, I thought that she was just enabling her.

As time went on, I began to open my mind and heart to her sentiment as Mark and I became very involved in Renee's life. Although Renee was my sister and not our child, we loved her so much and only wanted the best things in life for her, just as any parent would.

And because of our love for her, when she passed away, we grieved as deeply as any parent would. Mark and I questioned our desire to become parents ourselves after living through such a heart wrenching experience. What would happen if something happened to our own child? If we felt this way about my sister, how could we even live if we lost our child? How in the world was Mom doing it?

As our friend, Michele, would say, Mom was a Rock Star. She carried herself through that horrible time in her life with grace and strength. She proved to the two of us that the fear of losing a child was not worth escaping the chance to experience that love for ourselves.



Four years later, we were finally blessed with a little girl of our own. We decided to name her after my sister, Renee, in honor of her loving and generous spirit. And though this blog post is mostly about a mother's love, as parents, Mark and I were instantly and hopelessly in love with this little person.

So THAT'S what Mom was talking about! That deep, intense love that would make you do anything for your child!

Let's compare the two photos above. One was taken in 1969 as Mom held me. The other was taken in 1999 as I held Renee. Do you notice any similarities? Yup! That look in our eyes? Adoration.

Mark called it! Mom was always right, and always the All Knowing One! Ha!

As our little peanut grew into a young lady, this love would eventually push me to throw away the parenting books and just trust in myself. This love encouraged me to really listen to this sweet, loving person, who just happened to be a very intuitive and feeling child.

Was that the easiest route? Not at all. Did everyone agree with me? Not always, but thank goodness I always had Mark and Mom to stand by to support me when I had to make a choice that might not be well received by others.

Mom had raised her girls more traditionally than Mark and I were raising Renee, but I think that life and its experiences had opened her eyes to see things in a different light. I especially became aware of this towards the end of her battle with leukemia when she became very protective of Renee and her feelings. She wanted Renee to be able to make choices regarding how much (or how little) she needed to deal with regarding Mom's end of life choices. She constantly reminded me to always remember that she didn't want her death to be a scary or terrible experience for Renee. She wanted Renee to remember the good times that she had shared with her Grammy, and never to feel guilty about the way she was (or was not) dealing with her death.

Yesterday, as we were driving to the medical school in Macon for the memorial service for Mom, Renee quietly told us that she wasn't sure if she really wanted to go. As the miles passed by, her insistence grew stronger and she became more upset.

I really want to blame myself for this, seeing that I was also very conflicted about attending. I've often said that Renee is a barometer for others' feelings, and I wonder if she was picking up my vibes of uncertainty?

Either way, by the time we arrived, poor Mark was beside himself as he couldn't resolve this emotional situation which had escalated out of control.

After taking a deep, cleansing breath, Mom's voice suddenly popped into my brain, which was quite full of turmoil at that moment.

"There is nothing like a mother's love for her child."

At that moment, I knew what I had to do. I turned to Mark and asked him if he would please go in for all of us, and I leaned over to hug my daughter. As she melted into me, I knew that I had made the right choice.



It's the choice that Mom would have wanted me to make as well. My heart tells me so.

Flashback Friday~Tattoos

When you are four and a half, tattoos are a huge thing. At least in our house they were, and it got to the point that Renee was so good at putting them on that we just gave her the tattoos and let her go to town.

One summer day, she called to me from the sun room in our house in New York.

"Mommy, come here! I want to show you something!"

When I walked out to see, I noticed a tiny little tattoo on her hand. I mentioned to her that I loved the hearts, but she said, "No! There's something even better than that!"



After picking myself up off the floor, I called Mark at work to tell him that we had a creative, budding artist on our hands. Who else would think about encircling their belly button (perfectly straight, mind you!) with a purple and pink flower tattoo?

Looking at this photo all these years later still makes me laugh. Thank goodness for photographic evidence!

Happy Birthday, Poppy

Today, on January 5th, 2012, my Dad would have turned 82 years old.



Happy Birthday to the best Merry-Go-Round riding buddy, ever.

Things I have learned in 2011

2011 began as as the new year always does. There was the closing of one door, the opening of another, and of course, the celebration of my birth.

Then, our world came crashing down with the sudden loss of my mom. We knew that we were fighting a losing battle with her diagnosis of acute leukemia, but certainly weren't prepared to lose her the way we did. Almost a year later, I can still remember sobbing as I waited for the valet to bring my van around so that I could make the drive home from the hospital, alone for the first time in two years.

It's funny how experiencing something so devastating can open your eyes, heart, and mind to new moments of learning opportunities. Some of them might be meaningful or life changing, and others? Well, they just might make you laugh and fill your heart with light and love, which is exactly what you need when your heart is filled with sadness.

So, without further ado, please allow me to share some of those things with you!

I have learned that flowers from friends really can brighten a cloudy day.



Splurging on a tasty lunch for the birthday boy is worth having to eat grilled chicken for the rest of the week.



When your kiddo says that she wants to attend something called 'Momocon', you read up on it, and figure out a way to make a last minute costume out of sheets of foam and purple hairspray.



There really are quiet places to rest in Walt Disney World.



Ed truly is Superman!



You are never to old for a little game of Follow the Leader.



Life, in itself, is always an adventure. Those who travel along with us make it even richer!



Butterbeer is as delicious as everyone always promises.



There is nothing that a gihugic turkey leg won't make better!



Gifts are often more about the love you share.



You can never put enough Kahlua in a Tiramisu birthday cake for a friend who has a daughter in college!



Sharing the Disney magic with friends you haven't seen for more than 10 years is a gift to yourself.



Husbands who happily play dress up in front of masses of people are super sexy!



Sometimes...



you just can't...



get them to...



agree...



to pose for a serious photo!



12th birthdays are especially joyous when surprised with giant sombreros and spent with amazing friends!



Sometimes...



it takes more than one time to learn...



that it's just easier to join in the fun!



Family isn't always about blood.



You are never fully dressed without a moustache!



It is as wonderful to get a surprise as it is to give one.



20 years later and I love him even more.



Surround yourself with those who make your heart happy.



Those who leave this earth are always with us; if you look close enough, you will see the hints they leave for us.



Gifts aren't always of the material sense.



A memorial garden which blooms in the winter can lift one's spirit to the clouds!



Some people, and friendships, never change.



It is quite possible to love someone more than life itself.



Driving to Philly and surprising your parents will be their best Christmas gift. Ever.



Driving to New York so that your daughter can surprise her best friend by picking her up early from school is what smiles are made of.



Making new Christmas memories with dear friends is very healing to the soul.



Being included in their holiday traditions is even better!



Santa and the Pajama Fairy really CAN find you, no matter where you are on Christmas Eve.



If you can't be with your friends on New Year's Eve, Skype is the next best thing.



Some traditions never change, and never should.



Birthday morning breakfasts are perfection when nestled in a recycled, plastic Mickey dish, served up with love by your sweetie.



And just to remind me to always keep my eyes, ears and heart open, when I walked out our front door this morning, I saw this.



Right next to it, I saw this.



Daffodils and hyacinths in January? Popping up out of the ground right next to this special stone Mom and I found after my sister died? An extremely strong message to me, I'm sure.



One day at a time, indeed.

Perhaps that shall be what carries me into and through 2012. Bring on the New Year!

Flashback Friday~Cat Games

Once upon a time, Renee decided that she and Cannoli should play a game of Clue.

Cannoli took the game extremely seriously, as seen in this next photo.



Who do you think won?